WE ARE NOW NEARLY AT THE END OF SEPTEMBER, TODAY IT IS NOW 20 WEEKS TODAY THAT JESS LEFT US. I SOMETIMES JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ALL IN. iT WAS MY BDAY ON THE 17TH IT WAS SO HARD WITHOUT JESS, NA MADE A BIG FUSS OF ME AND EVEN GOT ME PRESENTS OFF JESS AND A CARD, I KNOW THAT SHE WAS UPSET, EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIES NOT TO LET ME SEE. THIS IS ALL JUST SO UNFAIR, TO LOOSE SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE, SHE FOUGHT SO HARD, RIGHT TO THE END. YESTERDAY I WENT TO TOWN AND CLOSED JESS'S BANK ACCOUNT, I CRIED IT WAS ALL JUST TOO MUCH, SHE HAD A SMALL AMOUNT SAVED, BUT SHE HAD WORKED SO HARD FOR IT IN THOSE LAST FEW WEEKS OF LIFE. I AM PUTTING THE MONEY THAT JESS SAVED TOWARDS HER POND, I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND HER HARD EARNED CASH ON BILLS, THAT WOULD NOT BE RIGHT. I KNOW THAT JESS WOULD APPROVE OF THE POND, SHE LOVED FISH. IT IS JESS'S BDAY ON THE 5TH OCTOBER, SHE WILL BE 18, I WILL STILL GET HER SOME PRESENTS, BUT IT WILL BE VERY HARD. I WILL NEVER GET OVER ALL OF THIS I KNOW, I AM TRYING TO KEEP POSITIVE AND GOING FOR NA, SHE IS FINDING THIS SO VERY HARD, SHE MISSES JESS SO MUCH. I AM ALL THAT NA HAS, SHE WOULD JUST BE SO DEVASTATED AND ALONE IF I WAS NOT HERE. I HAVE BEEN BACK AT WORK FOR 3 WEEKS, I AM FINDING IT TOUGH, I WAKE UP AT 4 EVERYDAY AND THINK ABOUT JESS, IT FEELS LIKE MY WHOLE WORLD HAS BBEEN RIPPED APART. SOME MEMBERS OF STAFF AT WORK HAVE MADE ME FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTATBLE, BUT I SUPPOSE THAT THEY HAVE FOR MOST OF THE TIME THAT JESS WAS ILL. IT IS AS IF I AM JUST EXPECTED TO GET ON WITH IT, LIFE IS NOT THAT EASY IS IT? WE WILL STILL CELEBRATE JESSICA'S BDAY, I KNOW THAT SHE WOULD NOT WANT US TO FORGET, I KNOW THAT SHE WILL BE THERE IN SPIRIT AND WOULD BE MAD IF WE DID NOTHING. I ALSO NOW HAVE AN ANGEL WATCHING MY BACK, I KNOW THAT JESS WILL LOOK OUT FOR ME AND HER SISTER NA. SHE WILL MAKE SURE THAT NO HARM COMES TO US.